Harmful conflict creates a toxic environment. One where co-parents are regularly arguing over the same thing, feeling worn down and unhappy. There will be difficulties in communicating and co-parents will be using so much energy in thinking about, taking part or avoiding the conflict that their parenting will be affected. There may be an increase in the use of alcohol or drugs. There is a bidirectional relationship between parental conflict and alcohol and substance misuse: parental conflict may see an increase in alcohol or drug use⁵⁵ and the misuse of alcohol and drugs may contribute to parental conflict⁵⁶. When parents are living together, the distress they are experiencing might present as a lowering in mood, negativity, withdrawal or a change in parenting style (harsher parenting because they are feeling ‘at the end of their tether’, not following through with boundaries because they are tired, being less sensitive to children’s needs because they are overwhelmed with their own feelings). For parents who are living apart and see their relationship as ‘over’, there might be an inability or refusal to communicate with each other due to feelings created by reasons of the relationship breakdown and events since, using third parties like school or health professionals as ‘intermediaries’ (especially for shared care/contact handovers), accusations and counter accusations, a need to micromanage their child’s life or the behaviour and actions of the other parent and prolonged court proceedings. For children, there might be withdrawal, lower mood, anxiety or conduct issues, anger, loss of concentration.

What harmful conflict looks like for parents living together

Is it a criticism or a complaint? Criticism is destructive. Complaint is proactive

A criticism attacks the other person’s personality. A complaint is about a specific issue. We will look at ways to talk about issues later

Imagine…

Criticism might sound like this:

You have been home all day! I have come home after working hard for us and what do I find?? You on your laptop. You are always on your laptop!!  You never think of me and the children!! 

Criticism is characterised by 3 things:

• Starting with an accusing ‘You’
• Using absolute adverbs like ‘always’ or ‘never’
• It is more about the person criticising than the issue

Nobody should suppress their anger. Anger is needed for change. There are skills to learn to move from criticising the person to complaining about an issue and working individually or as a team to fix it. These skills will be looked at later.

Suppressing anger can have many harmful effects on mental and physical health. When it festers and grows, it can result in contempt. Contempt can include one or more of the following elements:

• Disrespect
• Making the other person feel inferior
• Eye rolling
• Ignoring
• Mimicking

Contempt might sound like this:

Well look at you two! I can’t tell who the grown up is: pathetic! Playing little games little ones?! (Eye rolling). Don’t worry everyone, mummy is home. I am going for a bath. Clear this place up now!

Defensiveness is a way of protecting ourselves, People who are defensive:

• Appear to not be listening to you.
• Make a lot of excuses
• Blame the other person
• Say ‘but you do that too’
• Try to justify their behaviour

Defensiveness might sound like this:

(This time it is the mum at the laptop speaking) Just leave me alone! You always have to roll your eyes and look at me like THAT! I have been busy with this little one all day. If you are talking about this kitchen, then I think you should look in the mirror- like you’re Miss clean!! All I hear is blah blah blahhh.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the ‘silent treatment’, walking away, avoiding eye contact, becoming ‘busy’ with something else [returning to the same graphic, instead of being defensive, the mum at the laptop completely ignores the mum returning home and turns on the radio and begins singing with the toddler]. 

What conflict looks like for parents who are living separately

Parents who are living separately but have some form of shared care arrangement, are going to be in conflict about:

• The past, their relationship, who said or did what
• The present arrangements for their child. Practical/logistical/economic issues
• The future arrangements for their child
• Values in raising the child, which will include things like education, religion, health, core values around family, gender values, cultural traditions, gender roles, aspirations. Ethical values around ‘right and wrong’, ‘good and bad’
• Extended family and friends involvement
• New partner
• Issues around the child transitioning to adulthood: more freedoms and responsibilities, work, housing, sex, drugs, alcohol.
• A difference of opinion on what is ‘in the child’s best interests’ as defined by the Children Act when involved in Court proceedings https://www.familylaw.co.uk/news_and_comment/children-act-1989-child-arrangement-orders-and-more-how-can-you-try-to-persuade-the-court-other-party-that-your-proposal-is-in-the-child-s-best-interests.

Co- parents who are living apart can have the same destructive conversations which include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. These may look like this:

Criticism

You had the children all day and you couldn’t give them a meal? Just sweets! You have got to organise yourself better and give them a healthy meal. You are useless.

Contempt

Well that’s typical. No maintenance for weeks, but the children tell me now that you have bought a new car! I will make sure they will see you for the selfish low life you really are!

Defensiveness

I just can’t talk to someone like you anymore. You are just so negative all the time. No wonder I am always losing my temper. You sound like a toddler in a tantrum! I don’t want to see your face or hear your moaning. If you want to say anything, get the kids to bring me a note.

Stonewalling

Refusing any form of digital or in person acknowledgement/communication with the co parent. Using a third party, like a lawyer or even the child to pass on messages