We know that people find it hard to talk about their personal relationships. They may have been raised to ‘keep family stuff private’. They may be embarrassed about talking to a stranger. They may fear being judged or misunderstood and the ‘negative’ consequences of ‘professional involvement’. For children, there may be an added worry of betraying one or both parents, or making things worse and the emotional effects of trauma57 (internalising or externalising their distress-see ‘The harm to children’)
There is no doubt that co-parental conflict is a sensitive topic for people to discuss, especially when they already feel marginalised and misunderstood. Practitioners should avoid generalisations and stereotyping: not all Caribbean fathers are living apart from their children for example. Practitioners will gain trust by avoiding assumptions and gentle questioning will show a real interest in individual parents and young people. Have an holistic approach to conflict. What are all the issues for this family? What is really going on? What are the root causes? Are there other issues for this parent or young person?
Co-parents should be assured that practitioner involvement is not about blame, judgment, or ‘interfering’. There will be different levels of conflict and parental distress. Conflict may be escalating. It may have been triggered by a particular event. It may have become a cycle around ongoing issues. The needs of the parents and children should be assessed so that the level of support or intervention can be tailored to the presenting needs. Practitioners need to understand the ‘routes to harm’ and the biological and social processes at play. For the adults, there may be mental health problems, the misuse of drugs or alcohol and a feeling of being trapped by the conflict. When parents struggle with the conflict and their parenting is affected, there may be physical and emotional abuse or neglect of children. In assessing the needs of parents and children and whether to escalate interventions, practitioners should refer to the Parental Relationships Spectrum which can be found here: https://www.forbabyssake.org.uk/system-change/ To distinguish between domestic abuse and harmful conflict, practitioners can refer to this tool: https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/professionals/ciaf/resources-for-assessing-harmful-conflict/
Safeguarding children is the responsibility of every practitioner. If a need is identified, the sharing of information and prompt action is essential: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/working-together-to-safeguard-children–2
To escalate interventions, practitioners should also refer to local safeguarding guidelines and procedures
When discussing conflict with co-parents, use ‘coaching conversations’ and help them GROW:
The GROW model
- Listen attentively; remain inquisitive; avoid preconceptions and judgment
- Help co-parents focus on their strengths
- Paraphrase, summarise, show empathy
- Ask open questions to raise awareness, e.g. ‘How does that make you feel?’ Use the VSA model and Thoughts Feelings, Behaviour questionnaires to help parents self-reflect
- Notice non-verbal behaviour
- Offer encouragement and support
- Bring the conversation to the here and now
- Provide challenge where thought necessary
- Give feedback
- Present scenarios and options
Talking to teenagers and children about co-parental conflict:
- Practitioners should acquaint themselves with local partners and services so that they are ready to explain ‘what happens next’. Take good notes so that children do not need to painfully repeat themselves
- Young people need to feel safe: trust is essential. Some young people may respond better to people of their own age, with similar lived experience, with whom they can identify.
- Practitioners should be very clear with their language and include the young person in the decision making process. Work with the young person’s strengths. Motivate them.
- Gender differences should be remembered (girls’ internalising and boys’ externalising behaviour). Understanding behaviour will gain trust57(p219)
- Some young people may have experienced multiple adverse childhood experiences, for example discrimination due to race57(p199-218), faith or sexuality57(p179-198). This may leave a young person close to ‘crisis’
- Practitioners should ask questions to gain a clear understanding of ‘what is happening’ for the young person rather than ‘what is wrong’. [ Young people’s principles for adversity and trauma-informed care57 (p123)
- Use age-appropriate language – brother, sister not ‘sibling’
- Don’t assume that siblings will have the same feelings
- Open or move conversations on empathetically with comments like, ‘I can hear that..’, ‘It can be hard….’ ‘I wonder…’ ‘You sound….’
- Understand the importance of the ‘4P’s’ in building children’s resilience; ask children about whether they have: A supportive parent or trusted adult; if the child cannot talk to their parents, who else is trusted? A supportive peer group; Does the child have supportive friends or would a peer mentor help? Explore problem solving skills by helping children look at their options. Do they have a passion, interest or skill that they value?57(p 99-108)