This is defined as conflict that is ‘frequent, intense and poorly resolved’1,2. Emerging research shows that this type of verbal and non-verbal conflict can be very harmful to children’s development3. This type of conflict does not show itself as easily as conflict where there is an imbalance of power, the use of coercive control, or physical abuse. Harmful conflict creates a toxic environment.
There are some common behaviours which have been identified as being particularly destructive during conflict with a co-parent:
Criticising
When we criticise often, we are attacking the other person’s core character. It makes the other person feel rejected and hurt. This pattern can quickly escalate, become more frequent and intense and lead to contempt.
Contempt
Contempt is about dismissing someone’s ideas, mocking them, being sarcastic and acting superior over someone. We feel contempt for someone when we have many negative thoughts for that person.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is our natural response to being criticised. It is a way to avoid responsibility for our behaviour (or even beginning to think about our own behaviour) by blaming the other person.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when we walk away, go quiet and withdraw: it is a response when someone shuts down, and simply stops responding to the other person (especially if the other person is criticising or treating with contempt). Rather than confronting the issues that are causing the conflict and talking to the other person, people tune out, turn away, act busy, or engage in obsessive or distracting behaviours.
Co-parents who are not together
In addition, when harmful conflict continues between separated co-parents, we see children assuming or being ‘given’ (explicitly or implicitly) common roles:
The spy
Being expected to answer questions about the co-parent. Explicitly, ‘How many bedrooms does mum’s new house have?’, or, implicitly, complaining about the lack of financial support from the co-parent so that children feel the need to find out more and report back.
The judge
By sharing issues between adults with the children, children are brought into the conflict and feel expected to decide if behaviour is right or wrong. Again, this can be explicit or implicit.
The mediator
Older children may feel the need to mediate between adults through previous negative experiences. They may pre-empt situations which might cause conflict and embarrassment by organising separate parent evening appointments or birthday parties for example, or offering explanations for a parent’s behaviour.
The carer
When adults share their emotional pain around the conflict with their children, children may feel the need to step in and support and care for that adult; roles can be reversed between parents and children, placing a heavy responsibility on children’s shoulders.
The messenger
It is very common for co-parents to feel that there is no harm in children passing on verbal or written messages between them. But, a child in this position may feel overburdened in several ways: firstly, they are being drawn into adult issues. Secondly, they have to remember to pass on the message and, lastly, they may experience the negative reaction from the parent receiving the message.