Active repair: destructive or constructive conversations
Destructive examples
- Interrupting to get your point of view across
- Using examples from the past to prove you’re right
- Pointing out your partner’s flaws
- Using insults to make your point
- Telling your co-parent what they should or shouldn’t do
Constructive examples
- Listening
- Explaining your own feelings and accepting that your co-parent has different feelings
- Offering solutions to a problem but being willing to compromise
- Supporting each other to feel heard and respected
- Using ‘I’ or ‘we’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements
For example…
‘You are always late!’ ‘You never listen!’
Instead use ‘I’ or ‘we’ statements, so instead, ‘When you are late, I feel really overwhelmed doing everything by myself. Can we talk about this?’
By using ‘I’ statements, we are explaining how we feel.
By using ‘we’ statements, we are acknowledging that there is a need for negotiation, compromise and agreement or acceptance to move forward for both parties.