{"id":288,"date":"2021-03-22T19:00:26","date_gmt":"2021-03-22T19:00:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/?page_id=288"},"modified":"2021-06-16T10:00:42","modified_gmt":"2021-06-16T10:00:42","slug":"8-difficult-conversations-about-conflict","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/8-difficult-conversations-about-conflict","title":{"rendered":"Talking about conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

We know that people find it hard to talk about their personal relationships. They may have been raised to \u2018keep family stuff private\u2019. They may be embarrassed about talking to a stranger. They may fear being judged or misunderstood and the \u2018negative\u2019 consequences of \u2018professional involvement\u2019. For children, there may be an added worry of betraying one or both parents, or making things worse and the emotional effects of trauma57<\/sup> (internalising or externalising their distress-see ‘The harm to children’)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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There is no doubt that co-parental conflict is a sensitive topic for people to discuss, especially when they already feel marginalised and misunderstood. Practitioners should avoid generalisations and stereotyping: not all Caribbean fathers are living apart from their children for example. Practitioners will gain trust by avoiding assumptions and gentle questioning will show a real interest in individual parents and young people. Have an holistic approach to conflict. What are all the issues for this family? What is really going on? What are the root causes? Are there other issues for this parent or young person?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Co-parents should be assured that practitioner involvement is not about blame, judgment, or \u2018interfering\u2019. There will be different levels of conflict and parental distress. Conflict may be escalating. It may have been triggered by a particular event. It may have become a cycle around ongoing issues. The needs of the parents and children should be assessed so that the level of support or intervention can be tailored to the presenting needs. Practitioners need to understand the ‘routes to harm’ and the biological and social processes at play. For the adults, there may be mental health problems, the misuse of drugs or alcohol and a feeling of being trapped by the conflict. When parents struggle with the conflict and their parenting is affected, there may be physical and emotional abuse or neglect of children. In assessing the needs of parents and children and whether to escalate interventions, practitioners should refer to the Parental Relationships Spectrum which can be found here: https:\/\/www.forbabyssake.org.uk\/system-change\/<\/a> To distinguish between domestic abuse and harmful conflict, practitioners can refer to this tool: https:\/\/www.cafcass.gov.uk\/grown-ups\/professionals\/ciaf\/resources-for-assessing-harmful-conflict\/<\/a> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Safeguarding children is the responsibility of every practitioner. If a need is identified, the sharing of information and prompt action is essential: https:\/\/www.gov.uk\/government\/publications\/working-together-to-safeguard-children–2<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To escalate interventions, practitioners should also refer to local safeguarding guidelines and procedures<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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When discussing conflict with co-parents, use \u2018coaching conversations\u2019 and help them GROW:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The GROW model<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

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  1. Listen attentively; remain inquisitive; avoid preconceptions and judgment<\/li>
  2. Help co-parents focus on their strengths<\/li>
  3. Paraphrase, summarise, show empathy<\/li>
  4. Ask open questions to raise awareness, e.g. \u2018How does that make you feel?\u2019 Use the VSA model and Thoughts Feelings, Behaviour questionnaires to help parents self-reflect<\/li>
  5. Notice non-verbal behaviour<\/li>
  6. Offer encouragement and support<\/li>
  7. Bring the conversation to the here and now<\/li>
  8. Provide challenge where thought necessary<\/li>
  9. Give feedback<\/li>
  10. Present scenarios and options<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

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    Talking to teenagers and children about co-parental conflict:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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