{"id":280,"date":"2021-03-22T18:56:18","date_gmt":"2021-03-22T18:56:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/?page_id=280"},"modified":"2021-06-28T12:38:10","modified_gmt":"2021-06-28T12:38:10","slug":"4-why-co-parents-argue","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/4-why-co-parents-argue","title":{"rendered":"What&#8217;s going on?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background has-medium-font-size\">We disagree because we are all different and co-parenting is difficult. We are who we are today because of everything we have experienced&nbsp;before today. Influences can go back generations. This applies to professionals too, who bring with them their own experiences, values, ideas and emotional sensitivities. Objectivity and preconceptions can be avoided by remaining inquisitive and asking open questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-style-default\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"256\" src=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/cornered-image-strip-13-2-1024x256.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-537\" srcset=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/cornered-image-strip-13-2-1024x256.png 1024w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/cornered-image-strip-13-2-300x75.png 300w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/cornered-image-strip-13-2-768x192.png 768w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/cornered-image-strip-13-2-1536x384.png 1536w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/cornered-image-strip-13-2-450x113.png 450w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/cornered-image-strip-13-2.png 1600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-vivid-cyan-blue-color has-text-color\" style=\"font-size:24px\"><strong>Some influences<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"has-medium-font-size wp-block-list\"><li><strong>How we were raised. The community we have lived in<\/strong><\/li><li><strong>Our ethnicity and our culture: Culture just means the way we do things. It can be personal, e.g the way I communicate, or apply to a family or community, e.g traditions and customs<\/strong><\/li><li><strong>Our genetic make-up, our personality<\/strong><\/li><li><strong>Our past relationships, romantic and family: the culture of relationships as we see it<\/strong><\/li><li><strong>Our experiences: how we have dealt with stressful situations before. How we feel \u2018the world\u2019 has treated us<\/strong><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-medium-font-size\">From these \u2019roots\u2019, we form our core values, develop our emotional strengths and vulnerabilities. We decide as adults how we will live and develop our own communication and conflict \u2018styles\u2019. We deal with stressful situations in different ways: for co-parents who may or may not be together, parenting will bring these different perspectives into sharp focus. There are many argument triggering events and environmental factors which exacerbate \u2018stresses\u2019 (poverty for example), but it is how we deal with or adapt to situations that matters.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:15px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"has-white-color has-text-color has-background wp-block-heading\" style=\"background-color:#4ba584;font-size:26px\"><strong>Strengths and vulnerabilities; why culture matters. How co-parents cope with stress<\/strong>. <\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"has-text-align-left has-large-font-size wp-block-heading\"><strong>The vulnerability stress adaptation mode<\/strong>l<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-medium-font-size\">The following model encourages self reflection to work out our values, strengths and vulnerabilities, how we have coped with stress in the past and how we might cope in the future. Practitioners should consider the nature of the stresses impacting Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic families:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-medium-font-size\"><a href=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/project\/a-collaborative-evidence-led-framing-of-recovery-from-covid-19-that-addresses-racial-inequality\/\">https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/project\/a-collaborative-evidence-led-framing-of-recovery-from-covid-19-that-addresses-racial-inequality\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\"><figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"598\" height=\"595\" src=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/vulnerability-diagram-v2.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-507\" srcset=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/vulnerability-diagram-v2.png 598w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/vulnerability-diagram-v2-300x298.png 300w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/vulnerability-diagram-v2-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/vulnerability-diagram-v2-226x225.png 226w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 598px) 100vw, 598px\" \/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"has-text-color wp-block-heading\" style=\"color:#4ba584\">An example<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-media-text alignwide is-stacked-on-mobile is-image-fill\" style=\"grid-template-columns:29% auto\"><figure class=\"wp-block-media-text__media\" style=\"background-image:url(https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-8-1-1024x1024.png);background-position:50% 50%\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-8-1-1024x1024.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-528 size-full\" srcset=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-8-1-1024x1024.png 1024w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-8-1-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-8-1-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-8-1-768x768.png 768w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-8-1-1536x1536.png 1536w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-8-1-225x225.png 225w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-8-1.png 2000w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure><div class=\"wp-block-media-text__content\">\n<p class=\"has-medium-font-size\">A co-parent who experienced the breakdown of her own parents&#8217; relationship may be triggered by comments that make her feel &#8216;criticised and belittled&#8217; because this is what she recalls her father experienced. She may also have experienced rejection and feelings of being negatively stereotyped around her sexuality as a woman in a same sex relationship, which has made her more defensive and likely to withdraw in situations which remind her of these feelings.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"has-large-font-size wp-block-heading\"><strong>Thoughts, feelings, behaviour cycle<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-medium-font-size\">The following model helps identify how our real feelings feed into what we say and do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\"><figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"597\" height=\"506\" src=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/see-think-diagram.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-409\" srcset=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/see-think-diagram.png 597w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/see-think-diagram-300x254.png 300w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/see-think-diagram-265x225.png 265w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 597px) 100vw, 597px\" \/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"has-text-color wp-block-heading\" style=\"color:#4ba584\">An example<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-media-text alignwide is-stacked-on-mobile is-vertically-aligned-center is-image-fill\" style=\"grid-template-columns:27% auto\"><figure class=\"wp-block-media-text__media\" style=\"background-image:url(https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-6-1024x1024.png);background-position:50% 50%\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-6-1024x1024.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-531 size-full\" srcset=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-6-1024x1024.png 1024w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-6-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-6-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-6-768x768.png 768w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-6-1536x1536.png 1536w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-6-225x225.png 225w, https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/square-insert-6.png 2000w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure><div class=\"wp-block-media-text__content\">\n<p class=\"has-medium-font-size\">A co-parent may <strong>see<\/strong> her partner looking at his mobile phone, may <strong>think<\/strong> (assume) that he is looking at work emails, may then <strong>feel<\/strong> \u2018I thought we were having a family meal. He really doesn\u2019t care about us\u2019. She may then snap at him when he tries to make conversation. He <strong>sees<\/strong>\/hears her snapping but doesn&#8217;t know what she is thinking. He sees her being \u2018moody\u2019. He <strong>thinks<\/strong>, \u2018Oh she is in a mood again\u2019, he <strong>feels<\/strong>, \u2018I am tired. I can\u2019t do this\u2019, he gets up and says \u2018I am off to watch the game&#8230;\u2019<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-layout-flex wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button has-custom-width wp-block-button__width-100 is-style-fill\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-cyan-bluish-gray-background-color has-background\" href=\"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/whats-going-on\"><strong>Read more&#8230;<\/strong><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We disagree because we are all different and co-parenting is difficult. We are who we are today because of everything we have experienced&nbsp;before today. Influences can go back generations. This applies to professionals too, who bring with them their own experiences, values, ideas and emotional sensitivities. Objectivity and preconceptions can be avoided by remaining inquisitive [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-280","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/280","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280"}],"version-history":[{"count":59,"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/280\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1257,"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/280\/revisions\/1257"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}