{"id":194,"date":"2021-03-18T19:22:24","date_gmt":"2021-03-18T19:22:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/?page_id=194"},"modified":"2021-06-28T09:36:54","modified_gmt":"2021-06-28T09:36:54","slug":"1-what-is-harmful-conflict","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/1-what-is-harmful-conflict","title":{"rendered":"What is harmful conflict?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This is defined as conflict that is \u2018frequent, intense and poorly resolved\u20191,2<\/sup>. Emerging research shows that this type of verbal and non-verbal conflict can be very harmful to children\u2019s development3<\/sup>. This type of conflict does not show itself as easily as conflict where there is an imbalance of power, the use of coercive control, or physical abuse. Harmful conflict creates a toxic environment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

There are some common behaviours which have been identified as being particularly destructive during conflict with a co-parent:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Criticising<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we criticise often, we are attacking the other person\u2019s core character. It makes the other person feel rejected and hurt. This pattern can quickly escalate, become more frequent and intense and lead to contempt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contempt<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contempt is about dismissing someone\u2019s ideas, mocking them, being sarcastic and acting superior over someone. We feel contempt for someone when we have many negative thoughts for that person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Defensiveness<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Defensiveness is our natural response to being criticised. It is a way to avoid responsibility for our behaviour (or even beginning to think about our own behaviour) by blaming the other person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stonewalling<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stonewalling <\/strong>is when we walk away, go quiet and withdraw: it is a response when someone shuts down, and simply stops responding to the other person (especially if the other person is criticising or treating with contempt). Rather than confronting the issues that are causing the conflict and talking to the other person, people tune out, turn away, act busy, or engage in obsessive or distracting behaviours. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Co-parents who are not together<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

 In addition, when harmful conflict continues between separated co-parents, we see children assuming or being \u2018given\u2019 (explicitly or implicitly) common roles:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The spy<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>
\n

Being expected to answer questions about the co-parent. Explicitly, \u2018How many bedrooms does mum\u2019s new house have?\u2019, or, implicitly, complaining about the lack of financial support from the co-parent so that children feel the need to find out more and report back.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The<\/span> <\/span>judge<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>
\n

By sharing issues between adults with the children, children are brought into the conflict and feel expected to decide if behaviour is right or wrong. Again, this can be explicit or implicit.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The mediator<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>
\n

Older children may feel the need to mediate between adults through previous negative experiences. They may pre-empt situations which might cause conflict and embarrassment by organising separate parent evening appointments or birthday parties for example, or offering explanations for a parent\u2019s behaviour.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The carer<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>
\n

When adults share their emotional pain around the conflict with their children, children may feel the need to step in and support and care for that adult; roles can be reversed between parents and children, placing a heavy responsibility on children\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The messenger<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>
\n

It is very common for co-parents to feel that there is no harm in children passing on verbal or written messages between them. But, a child in this position may feel overburdened in several ways: firstly, they are being drawn into adult issues. Secondly, they have to remember to pass on the message and, lastly, they may experience the negative reaction from the parent receiving the message.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
Read more…<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is defined as conflict that is \u2018frequent, intense and poorly resolved\u20191,2. Emerging research shows that this type of verbal and non-verbal conflict can be very harmful to children\u2019s development3. This type of conflict does not show itself as easily as conflict where there is an imbalance of power, the use of coercive control, or […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-194","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/194","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=194"}],"version-history":[{"count":39,"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/194\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1252,"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/194\/revisions\/1252"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/raceequalityfoundation.org.uk\/parentalconflict\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=194"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}